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四季为你 之 冬1[2]  Next
爱爱
秀才


Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

爱爱Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-05 13:56:45    Post subject: 四季为你 之 冬 Reply with quote





我愿意

为你

把长发毫不犹豫地剪去

把思念凝结成飘雪的冬季

舍不得啊

让你知晓我的忧郁

离别的路上悲伤的心



就让我

化成这无声无息的冬雨

再最后一次与你相遇
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾,台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-05 14:10:24    Post subject: Reply with quote

这得看你是不是有要将(四季为你 之 春夏秋冬)整成一个贴子。
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爱爱
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Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

爱爱Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-05 14:40:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:
这得看你是不是有要将(四季为你 之 春夏秋冬)整成一个贴子。


可以不要求一个贴, 但在考虑是不是一个系列.
先告诉我, 就每个单独的片断而言, 有没有可读性?
如果是朽木, 那我就得从新找木头, 而不是修改了.
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾,台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-05 14:44:15    Post subject: Reply with quote

整一起再看看。

四季为你 之 春夏秋冬

春天

我愿意
为你
梳起乖巧的小辫
婷婷成春天的
一朵茉莉
洁白的花瓣
淡淡的香气
还有你爱看的
天真的眼睛



星光下
散开整齐的长发
零乱的波浪
如夏日艳丽的玫瑰
在万种风情的夜色中
狂野 怒放
散发出
浓郁的芬芳

来吧
激情浪漫的红唇
或是
温柔娇媚的眼神
为你
在温润的花园中
绽放



我愿意
为你
绾起高高的发髻
端装成秋天的
一株淡菊
柔软的花蕊
舒展风雨不惊的神韵

给你
你欣赏的
从容不迫的冷静



我愿意
为你
把长发毫不犹豫地剪去
把思念凝结成飘雪的冬季
舍不得啊
让你知晓我的忧郁
离别的路上悲伤的心

就让我
化成这无声无息的冬雨
再最后一次与你相遇
_________________
可情可理,去捧就真
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾,台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-05 14:58:37    Post subject: Reply with quote

爱爱 wrote:
诗盗喜裸评 wrote:
这得看你是不是有要将(四季为你 之 春夏秋冬)整成一个贴子。


可以不要求一个贴, 但在考虑是不是一个系列.
...


以大标题而言,这应该是要有相关性,也就是说要有系列的意义。除非!
这样的表现就是你要表现的意义。现代诗就是这样,我只能就着你作品的
角度去看作品,至于角度对不对,是另外一回事。

假如我这样子问:

除了夏以外,春秋冬没有我愿意。为何?
夏秋冬格式上比较接近。为何?
春天为何特别短?

如果你回答了我以上的问题,我要再问:为何不呈现在作品里?

再编辑:得离线了,明天继续春夏秋冬。
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悠子
举人


Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-05 15:33:42    Post subject: Reply with quote

从内容上看,很系列, 或许格式和用词上再一致一下, 正如诗盗所言。
要不,就来完全不相干的
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博弈
榜眼


Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-05 18:53:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:


假如我这样子问:

除了夏以外,春秋冬没有我愿意。为何?


...


因为,夏的事非自生愿意? Laughing
感觉这一组可读,花图也能有含义,继续努力。
我喜欢
“绾起高高的发髻
端装成秋天的
一株淡菊“
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(在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美)
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾,台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-06 02:56:54    Post subject: Reply with quote

博弈 wrote:
诗盗喜裸评 wrote:


假如我这样子问:

除了夏以外,春秋冬没有我愿意。为何?


...


因为,夏的事非自生愿意? Laughing
...


所以,没有切入点的时候,就只能当作作者本欲如此。
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爱爱
秀才


Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

爱爱Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-14 15:48:44    Post subject: Reply with quote

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:
博弈 wrote:
诗盗喜裸评 wrote:


假如我这样子问:

除了夏以外,春秋冬没有我愿意。为何?


...


因为,夏的事非自生愿意? Laughing
...


所以,没有切入点的时候,就只能当作作者本欲如此。



大家好!!!谢谢~~我来交作业~



我愿意
为你
梳起乖巧的小辫子
婷婷成春天的
一朵茉莉
洁白的花瓣
淡淡的香气
还有你爱看的
天真的眼睛





我愿意
为你
散开整齐的长发
绽放成夏日里的
一朵玫瑰花
激情浪漫的红唇
温柔娇媚的眼神
在星光下在晚风中在温润潮湿的夜色里
以风情万种的姿态 散发出
浓郁 狂野的芬芳




我愿意
为你
纶起高高的发髻
端装成秋天的
一株淡菊
含着幽幽的一缕清香
怀着温温的一瓣柔软
在人群中悠悠然
从容冷静的舒展




我愿意
为你
把长发毫不犹豫地剪去
让思念凝结成飘雪的冬季
舍不得啊

让你看见我的忧郁
就让我
化成这无声无息的雨
再最后一次落入你怀里
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾,台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-14 15:55:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

问好先,爱爱好!
接着拜年,爱爱新春如意!
再来祝爱爱情人节快乐!
然后我就开骂啦!您三年才来一趟呀?
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爱爱
秀才


Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

爱爱Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-14 16:14:56    Post subject: Reply with quote

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:
问好先,爱爱好!
...



骂都骂了, 干嘛还给我这个? Rolling Eyes :

"您不能在发帖后马上发表新帖,请过一会再试. You cannot make another post so soon after your last; please try again in a short while."


我也祝DD和DD的情人节日快乐~~~~哈~~
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾,台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-14 16:24:26    Post subject: Reply with quote

爱爱 wrote:
诗盗喜裸评 wrote:
问好先,爱爱好!
...



骂都骂了, 干嘛还给我这个? Rolling Eyes :
...


那表示您的机器、这里的系统、还有我同声抗议!不过来了就好,等等再看过您修改的。
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾,台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-14 19:52:50    Post subject: Reply with quote

参考哪哪哪!



我愿意,为你
梳起乖巧的辫子
婷婷成春天一朵茉莉
洁白的花瓣,淡淡的香气
还有你爱看的
天真的眼睛




我愿意,为你
散开整齐的长发
绽放成夏日里一朵玫瑰
激情、浪漫、红唇
温柔、娇媚、眼神
在星光下、在晚风中
在温润潮湿的夜色里
以风情万种的姿态
散发出浓郁



我愿意,为你
纶起高高的发髻
端装成秋天一株淡菊
含着幽幽的一缕清香
怀着温温的一瓣柔软
悠悠然
舒展从容冷静




我愿意,为你
长发毫不犹豫地剪去
思念凝结成飘雪的冬季
舍不得啊!让你看见这忧郁
就让我化成,无声无息的雨
在最后,要落入怀里
为你,我愿意
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是有缘
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Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741

是有缘Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-14 21:44:29    Post subject: Reply with quote

这个爱爱是不是那个失踪了段时间的?
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拈花微笑
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Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 311

拈花微笑Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-15 12:12:55    Post subject: Reply with quote

很耐读的四季诗。问好!
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爱爱
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Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

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PostPosted: 2008-02-15 13:50:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

是有缘 wrote:
这个爱爱是不是那个失踪了段时间的?


咦~~有个爱爱失踪了么?

卡卡卡, 有缘兄好!!!! 是不是失踪的那个我不清楚, 反正这个是想着你的那个爱爱~~~~~~不要打我~跑~
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爱爱
秀才


Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

爱爱Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-15 13:52:39    Post subject: Reply with quote

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:
参考哪哪哪!
...


喜欢哪哪那~~~~

诗盗!!!!!!!谢谢你!!!!!!!
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爱爱
秀才


Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

爱爱Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-15 15:35:26    Post subject: Reply with quote

拈花微笑 wrote:
很耐读的四季诗。问好!



微笑好啊~~~
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是有缘
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Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741

是有缘Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-16 08:27:13    Post subject: Reply with quote

爱爱 wrote:
是有缘 wrote:
这个爱爱是不是那个失踪了段时间的?


咦~~有个爱爱失踪了么?
...


想着是那个爱爱,因到了一个新地方,没敢肯定,所以问了一哈。“雁过也,正伤心,却是旧时相识”,该破涕为笑了。
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苏茉儿
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Joined: 31 Dec 2007
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PostPosted: 2008-02-16 09:24:23    Post subject: Reply with quote

是有缘 wrote:
爱爱 wrote:
是有缘 wrote:
这个爱爱是不是那个失踪了段时间的?


咦~~有个爱爱失踪了么?
...


想着是那个爱爱,因到了一个新地方,没敢肯定,所以问了一哈。“雁过也,正伤心,却是旧时相识”,该破涕为笑了。


对呀!爱姐姐天天来,茉儿才会笑。哈哈~~~你看!
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